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Today President Obama plans on announcing "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" in Iraq. WAIT! Bad choice of words! Bad choice of words!

However, since the electrical grid in Iraq is kind of a piece of shit, there are still a few loose strings left to tie up.

Work has begun to start plugging the drippy Gulf oil well for good. So that will be one down and... how many to go?

A massive flood in Pakistan kills well over 1,000 people and has the further drawback of spreading disease as well.

Today in Sarah Palin is an asshole: The former Alaska governor/quitter accuses Obama of not having any "cojones" as compared to the racist Arizona female governor. So I guess she doesn't know anything about basic anatomy, either.

Today in "Has it been two weeks already?": Lindsay Lohan is released from jail.

16-year-old Justin Bieber is writing his memoir, guys! Because he's already lived a much fuller life than me, and... and... sigh.

Today in "Nothing's happening in the Kyron Horman case, but the Oregonian's gonna write about something anyway": Nothing happened.

Now here's what's going on in your neck of the woods: Morning clouds shove aside for sun and temps in the low '80s. Rinse and repeat for the rest of the week.

And finally, The Saturdays do a fantastic cover of Justin Bieber's "Baby" (especially when it gets to the Ludicris part) and should be coming out with a memoir any day now.

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