This Craigslist post kind of makes me laugh, and kind of makes me cry.
This Cat is 12 years old. It is very cute and has a long tail, so it will look good sitting in your window while you are away!It has two looks on it's face at all times 1) surprise. 2) angry glare. It has always been vindictive and angry. It will shred your arms to the bone if picked up, so handling is not advisable. Cat will use litter box only once and then considers it soiled and will choose your chair (or elsewhere) instead. Free *1 month supply/ 5 gallon bucket of Nature's Miracle* will accompany Cat to new home. Cat hates other animals and children and people so please be an animal free and kid free and spouse/friend/roommate free home. Cat can only live with one Person. Cat hates for Person to have other people over, so you shouldn't have friends or it will pee in their purse or on their shoes. Person should be strong of mind and body and not at home much, as cat is not into interaction. Interaction with it's Person makes Cat angry, and it will vomit on your pillow in retaliation.
Cat hates to be inside too long, but will not go through doors as it hates doorways. You must chase it outside with clacking salad tongs. Cat's *favorite salad tongs will be provided for free* and will accompany Cat to new home. Cat hates to be outdoors for too long as it prefers to pee, poop and vomit on your things, it likes to do this to claim it's Person (this Person could be you!). Cat will come inside easily at dinnertime, no salad tongs necessary. Cat will vomit once during, and up to three times after dinner, usually on pillow, duvet, or laundry. Sometimes it will vomit in doorways. Sometimes it will just poop in these places. Other places Cat will poop: in front of refrigerator, in front of windows, near the litterbox, in front of teevee, on top of you if you are around for too long. Cat should not have access to any bathrooms as it hates bathmats and will destroy them on sight with a barrage of pee and poop and finally clawing it to shreds. Other things Cat will claw to shreds: arms, face, carpet, pillow, chair, laundry.
Cat has a loud obnoxious yowl to indicate when it is angry. The yowl is akin to that of a rabid zombie on the make and is quite terrifying, so you would be well advised to take heed and figure out what Cat wants. If you haven't cleaned the litterbox in less than an hour, check that first. It may want you to provide running drinking water from the faucet. It WILL get on the counters, you should not interfere or you WILL be sorry. If yowling occurs between the hours of Noon and 7:00 pm, it may require feeding. Cat will attack you for your food, so it is not advisable to eat in the house. If not fed what you are eating, Cat will knock the dishes off the table in retaliation and eat the shards of glass and porcelain that fall, so that you will be required to take it to the vet. It likes the attention from the vet. Cat will look sweet and pitiful at vet's office, and as I said before, Cat is very cute. No one will believe when you try to tell them what Cat is capable of, so don't try. They will look at you as if you are the problem. I will understand your situation and you can call me in an emergency to talk about Cat. * 1 year of free consulting and phone support * comes with Cat. I will not be available in person for support, Cat will not like it and it will escalate situation.
Other things to be aware of with Cat. Cat has LONG hair and is prone to fur balls and the vomiting of hairy, slimy bits. This can not be helped. Cat hates any glass of drinking water to be left about and will drink from it and knock it over. You should not drink water from glasses. Cat does not like for it's Person to sleep. It will walk/stand on your face with one razor sharp claw in your nostril and yowl like a zombie, so you would be well advised to stay awake and always be ready to attend to Cat. Cat weaves evil spells and makes hexes. Many do not believe this is true, but I am convinced of this fact. Cat will place spells on you while you sleep or read or watch teevee.
I felt a litter bit better after reading the update after the jump. You probably will too. And speaking of cat problems...