MONDAY, DECEMBER 13 It's official: Hollyweird has a serious case of the "splits"! No less than three of Tinselturd's lovey-doveiest couples called it quits today, including... High School Musical alums Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens! The twosome have been making sickening goo-goo eyes at each other since their teen years—and yet their exit to Splitsville has been deemed by a source as "nothing dramatic... it had just run its course." Oh, well in that case, we'll stop talking about them then. Enjoy anonymity, has-beens! MEANWHILE... Actor Michael C. Hall (not a serial killer, but plays one on Showtime's Dexter) and his wife/co-star Jennifer Carpenter are divorcing after two loooooong years of marriage. The split was apparently "amicable" (YAWN!)—so nothing to see here. Move along! MEANWHILE... Here's the real split of the week! Sexiest people alive Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds have announced they're divorcing as well (unfortunately in a rather un-sexy way). "After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we've decided to end our marriage," reads ScarJo and RyRey's carefully considered joint statement. "While privacy isn't expected, it's certainly appreciated." Well, it's always wise to manage one's expectations, isn't it? Insiders are saying the bust-up has been in the making for months, thanks to crazy work schedules, and rumors of a fling between RyRey and Gossip Girl Blake Lively. After a two-week trial separation (that's like 36 months in Hollyweird years), these two are definitely dunzo. And... sigh... we guess there's no getting around it... here's what Hubby Kip had to say after receiving the news: "WOOOOOO-HOOOO! HIGH FIVE, DUDES! Scarlett's gonna have a new starring role ON MY BONE, and... and... I'm gonna be sleeping on the couch again, right? Thought so."
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 14 Previously on "Miley Cyrus: Bong Huffer"... As you hilariously recall from last week, the former Hannah Montana was caught having a "Party in the USA" with a water pipe filled with salvia—a legal in California but still hallucinogenic substance. Since then, teens across America have responded thusly: "ME WANTEE." Sales of salvia have reportedly skyrocketed, according to TMZ who polled a number of LA head shops, where some customers have specifically requested, "the stuff Miley Cyrus was smoking." (Confidential to our stockbroker: Buy up every share of Salvia, Inc.—NOW.) MEANWHILE... Apparently Team Cyrus knew the video of Miley smoking and giggling like Cheech and Chong's younger sister was about to leak, and did their damndest to snatch up all the copies. At least two college students were given new MacBook Pros in exchange for their crummy laptops, which just so happened to contain the video in question. (Confidential to Team Cyrus: The video's on our computer, too! Is it too late to trade in our Commodore 64 laptop?)
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 15 Lindsay Lohan is totes angry with Gwyneth Paltrow, guys. Apparently GwynPal's appearance on Glee—in which she played a substitute Spanish teacher instructing the kids on how to say "Lindsay Lohan es muy loco, si?"—has caused a rift between the two longtime pals. Equally loco mom Dina Lohan had this to say: "Lindsay was watching [the episode] while in Betty Ford, then she called me and was upset and said, 'Why did she have to do that?'" There are two answers to this question: (1) Lindsay is muy loco. Muy, MUY loco, in fact. (2) Gwyneth is paid to say the lines provided by her employers. It's called ACTING, Lindsay—ever heard of it? (Wait... don't answer that.) MEANWHILE... Speaking of Lindsay's stupid mother, Dina Lohan seems to be actively jockeying for the Dancing with the Stars slot rumored to be reserved for Lindsay! After Lindsay idiotically turned down the amazing opportunity, Dina told Radar Online it wasn't because they dislike DWTS. "Our family loves the show because I'm a dancer [HINT #1—Ann], and I taught dance [HINT #2—Ann] when Lindsay was growing up," said the subtle-as-a-sledgehammer stage mom. "I dragged her from one dance studio [HINT #3—Ann] to another, and she sat and watched while I taught [HINT # SHUT UP!! SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! WE GET IT ALREADY!!!—Ann]."
THURSDAY, DECEMBER 16 In "there's no justice in this world, is there?" news, actor/douchebag/sex worker supporter and terrorizer Charlie Sheen will NOT be charged in last month's alleged "cocaine rampage" at the Plaza Hotel, where he trashed the room, and trapped porn star/alleged escort Capri Anderson in a closet. In response to Anderson's complaint to the NYPD, Sheen filed a lawsuit accusing her of extortion and prostitution—although he claims he only offered her an "appearance fee" (as opposed to the criminally liable "whore payment"). Now that the police have ended their investigation, Sheen is expected to drop the lawsuit, leaving Anderson free to make future "appearances"—and here's the joke you've been waiting for—on his penis.
FRIDAY DECEMBER 17 Just when you thought you couldn't get any sicker of Kate Gosselin, here comes Gosselin: The Next Generation! "Two of Kate Gosselin's children, six-year olds Alexis and Collin, were... expelled from their Pennsylvania private school," gushes Radar Online. Apparently, "the two had been creating quite a disturbance in school, abusing both students and adults," and a source close to the school tells Radar that despite "three full weeks of intensive special treatment," school administrators finally gave the junior Gosselins the boot. For the kids' sake, let's hope no one gives the brilliant Kate any ideas about home schooling. MEANWHILE... Guess who else can't stand the Gosselin clan? Sarah Palin! Kate Gosselin recently dragged along her unlucky, terribly behaved children to the mountainous set of Sarah Palin's Alaska, where Sarah and Kate had planned a camping expedition. Alas—and despite the fact that Sarah and the little Gosselins were having a grand time—Kate spent all her time huffing, puffing, bitching, and moaning about how cold it was, how there was nothing to do, and how bewildering it was that Sarah could possibly enjoy the aforementioned cold. Let it henceforth be known: No one deserves to be stuck in the wilderness with Kate Gosselin. Not even Sarah Palin.
SATURDAY DECEMBER 18 Today in "celebrity" news, Claire Danes is not suffering from Latisse side effects, just in case you were wondering! While reports have run rampant that the former My So-Called Life starlet has had the areas under her eyes permanently turned a "purplish and yellowish shade" thanks to the "eyelash enhancement" drug, Dane's reps furiously rebuke the rumors. "Your claims are entirely false," an incensed Danes rep told Page Six. "We will pursue legal action if you print anything to the contrary. This story should be killed." Um... okay. Wait. Who's Claire Danes again? MEANWHILE... As mentioned earlier, Dexter star Michael C. Hall is divorcing his wife Jennifer Carpenter, and he's reportedly already hitting the singles scene—by leering at Julia Stiles! "Michael was checking out Julia's butt," a source tells Thirdage.com. "He was fixated." Well, that's just shocking. Julia Stiles has a butt?
SUNDAY DECEMBER 19 Dears? Next time Winona Ryder tries to tell you something, at least try to resist the urge to giggle, interrupt her with quotes from Heathers, make a big show of holding onto your purse really tightly, and/or make that finger-pointing-at-the-head-and-spinning-in-little-circles gesture—'cause who knows? She might know what she's talking about! Case in point: "I remember, like, 15 years ago, I was at one of those big Hollywood parties. And [Mel Gibson] was really drunk," Ryder recently told GQ. "I was with my friend, who's gay. [Gibson] made a really horrible gay joke. And somehow it came up that I was Jewish. He said something about 'oven dodgers,' but I didn't get it. I'd never heard that before." Ryder continued, "It was just this weird, weird moment. I was like, 'He's anti-Semitic and he's homophobic.' No one believed me!" Well, we believe you now, Winona. We believe you now.