I'm pleased to say that things are cooling off. This post actually covers about two weeks of nightmare headlines, which is a great improvement over previous weeks where I could not fit everything into one post. Why are we suddenly safer? Probably because everybody in America is reading this column, and thus have wisely started wearing helmets to bed at night.
Still, there are a few things that want our blood right now. So, what wants to kill me this week?
1. Rioting French People
At a League of American Voters rally on Oct. 12, W. Va. Republican candidate John Raese outlined his hopes to install a vast system of missile-defense satellites, armed with high-strength laser beams.
"If there is a rogue missile aimed at our country, we have 33 minutes to figure out what we're going to do," Raese said. "We are sitting with the only technology in the world that works and it's laser technology. We need 1,000 laser systems put in the sky and we need it right now. That is [of] paramount importance."Raese said the system would cost $20 billion.
Maybe Raese is well-intentioned. But if this psychotic idea was somehow diplomatically feasible, it would still mean 1,000 death stars pointing straight at earth. If they can blow up missiles, then they can surely blow up my Chevy Tracker. And can't you just see a caped Kim Jong Il struggling to breathe though the black face mask of his Nazi helmet as he pushes the button to turn Seoul into a "sea of flame?" ALDERAAN.
Apparently, the Toyota Hilux (the smaller, non-U.S. version of the Tacoma) is the most popular combat vehicle for terrorists, Somali pirates, freedom fighters, and other RPG-toting militants the world over. I smell a new target audience. Prius: harmony between man, nature, machine, and VIOLENT RETRIBUTION.
4. UFOs
A bunch of people in New York City saw UFOs last week. Once again, the government's calling it a weather balloon. I suppose that's true, if you count "shit storm" as weather. IMMINENT APOCALYPSE.
Goats have been on thin ice with me since one tried to eat my shirt at a petting zoo when I was eight, but now they're killing people. Washington hikers now have to pack along a fear of mountain goats: THE MEANEST VEGETARIANS.
6. Saudi Royalty
You'd think working directly for a Saudi prince would be a nice gig. Nope. THIS ISN'T EVEN FUNNY.
Keep fighting the good fight.