And we're back! It's day three of the most important voting experience of your life: "BEST X-MAS/HOLIDAY SONG EVARRRRRR!!!" And today is my personal fave of holiday song genres: The Best Animated Special Song (or "Creepy Wooden Puppet Music," such as those featured in those awesome Rankin/Bass specials or holiday cartoonies of yore).

So to quickly catch you up: FOUR CATEGORIES! Secular (vote here!), Traditional/Jesus-y (vote here!), Animated (vote below!), and Commenter's Choice (vote tomorrow!). The top two from each list will face off on Friday in one big mega poll, and HO! HO! HO! We'll have chosen the "BEST X-MAS/HOLIDAY SONG EVARRRRRR!!!" (which of course no one will be satisfied with, because that's the nature of the internet).

Okay, on to today's ANIMATED category! (And remember, put your favorite song in the comments from any genre, and it may be chosen for tomorrow's Commenter's Choice!) THREE IMPORTANT THINGS TO NOTE:

1) I included the "Linus & Lucy Theme" below, because even though it's not strictly an Xmas/Holiday song, it did premiere in A Charlie Brown Christmas, and if I didn't include it, you'd shit your pants. I think "Christmastime is Here" (from the same special) is far superior, but whatever. I don't care anymore.
2) You should vote for "Jingle Jingle Jingle." Watch it here. It's the best fucking song that's ever been written by anyone.
3) Can't remember some of the songs? I posted each with a musical link to jog your memory after the jump!

NOW LET'S VOTE FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST(mas)!!!

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The next few days are your last chance to finish/start your g-damn shopping already, and for those masochists who like (there is a certain thrill in it) to wait to the very last possible moment, the shops at the 811 E Burnside building are throwing you a bone. Friday night, otherwise known as Christmas Eve Eve, Nationale, Haunt, Frocky Jack Morgan, Sword + Fern, Redux, Black Box Gallery, and Visnja Clayton Studio will be open until 9 pm and doling out refreshments to all you procrastinators out there (and those of you who are technically done, but who just... can't... stop. I feel ya.

• Etsy
• This striped linen hat from Visnja Clayton would be an absurdly glam additon to some lucky person's warm-weather getaway packing.

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The next few days are your last chance to finish/start your g-damn shopping already, and for those masochists who like (there is a certain thrill in it) to wait to the very last possible moment, the shops at the 811 E Burnside building are throwing you a bone. Friday night, otherwise known as Christmas Eve Eve, Nationale, Haunt, Frocky Jack Morgan, Sword + Fern, Redux, Black Box Gallery, and Visnja Clayton Studio will be open until 9 pm and doling out refreshments to all you procrastinators out there (and those of you who are technically done, but who just... can't... stop. I feel ya.

• Etsy
• This striped linen hat from Visnja Clayton would be an absurdly glam additon to some lucky person's warm-weather getaway packing.

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This week, in a budgetary move, Congress voted against the Department of Energy's proposed phase-out of traditional incandescent light bulbs. However, while this plan toward energy efficiency is put on hold, it looks like the switch from incandescent to compact florescent lamp (CFL) bulbs is inevitable.

• Sarah Mirk
• Light Bulb Lady on her throne

To get the insider's scoop, I called up the infamous "Light Bulb Lady" Kay Newell at Mississippi Ave's Sunlan Lighting.

How will this phase-out affect your line of work?

Light Bulb Lady: Everything will change! First of all, it takes a long time to shut down a plant, leaving these companies sitting on a lot of stuff they can't sell. Second of all, I think Congress underestimates the intelligence of the American people. We don't need them to phase out these bulbs, really. When people understand the options, they will make the best choice.

So you don't think these CFL and LED lights are all that great?

LBL: No, not really. I think all light bulbs serve important purposes. I've got customers who cannot see under the new light bulbs. Just the other day, an 80-year-old couple came in wondering what to do because the woman could no longer see in her kitchen with the new bulbs. When I told her that the bulbs she needed were discontinued, she turned to her husband and said, "Honey I can't cook for us anymore." Also! Chickens who use incandescent red lights as a heat source will be threatened by this change. The new laws disregard these peoples' needs.

How does this affect your business directly?

LBL: Well, I'm a small business, we'll simply adjust to what people need. We'll probably get more customers asking about different fixtures and watts and bulbs — they're lucky we're here. People who don't have someone like me around face a big problem.

What's the future of light bulbs?

LBL: I think that in ten years, bad things about CFLs are going to come out regarding the mercury in them. But I'm just going to sit back and do my job until then.

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This is the best rock 'n' roll Christmas song out there. That's Kinks drummer Mick Avory in the Santa suit.

But what is up with the clock falling off the wall? Is that a German curse or something? A joke at the expense of the Swiss?

Ich bin konfüsed.

h/t: Ezra

End Hits: In England, "Father Christmas" means "Santy Claus"! Those wacky Brits.

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THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22

ADIÓS, 2011—With a roster boasting the finest in Portland music, the Amigo/Amiga collective has had a heck of a year, weathering serious downs and celebrating incredible ups. Join 'em at their holiday party, as label regulars Drew Grow and the Pastors' Wives and Kelli Schaefer offer what will be one of the most festive shows of the season. NL
w/Birds & Batteries, Jason Dodson; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $8

LAST RITES—Portland's favorite funeral home/music venue is shutting its doors as of January—which means that tonight's final Woods-based installment of Baby Ketten Karaoke has the potential to be legendary. Come sing the place out in style. AH
The Woods, 6637 SE Milwaukie, 9 pm, FREE

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23

PRE-GIFT—Quick, before you're trapped with family! Get out your last good-time kicks with AgesandAges, whose giddily upbeat sing- and clap-alongs are better than any Christmas choir. They may play a few new songs as well, as they're working on a new record—plus Old Light's strum-heavy tunes are no slouch in the rock 'n' roll department. NL
w/1939 Ensemble; Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $8-10

STONED WEREWOLF—On the day before the day before Christmas our very own Magi arrive, to gift us their versions of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. The Sex Life DJs (Vision Quest and Stoned Werewolf) spin whatever funky mess necessary to lead us all to that sweaty dance floor electric bugaloo promised land. SS
Valentine's, 232 SW Ankeny, 9 pm, FREE

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24

HEARTLIGHT—Tony Starlight's Neil Diamond tribute is fabulous. With one wig, a passel of balloons, heartlights, five costume changes, and the festive confines of Tony Starlight's Supperclub, you will cheerfully be singing along to "Cracklin' Rosie," "America," and "Song Sung Blue." So make it a Diamond Christmas. CF
Tony Starlight's Supperclub & Lounge, 3728 NE Sandy, 8 pm, $15

STOCKING STUFFERS—Don't sit around on Christmas Eve with the milk and cookies—a large, jovially dressed man is far more likely to "come down your chimney" if you're shaking it at the O Holy Night edition of always hot-and-heavy queer dance night Blow Pony. And with that sexy Prancer costume, the event may finally live up to its name. SM
w/DJs Airick, Just Dave, Linoleum, & more; Rotture, 315 SE 3rd, 9 pm, $5

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25

HEART AND SOUL—Don't assume there's nothing going on just because it's Christmas! On the contrary, DJ Cooky Soul will be working hard on the decks playing all the R&B and soul jams you'll need to dance off all that fruitcake and eggnog. Don't let him spend Christmas alone! MS
Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside, 9 pm, $5

MERRY DIM SUM!—Besides getting unconsciously loaded, I only have one true holiday tradition: eating dim sum on Christmas Day! Nothing cures hangovers and cheers me up like rolling carts teeming with delicious, steaming Asian delicacies. My suggestions for neophytes? Try Five Spice, Wong's King Seafood Restaurant, or maybe Legin. And get there by 11 am to beat the crowds! WSH
Dim Sum, various locations, look them up yourself, 11 am–2 pm

MONDAY, DECEMBER 26

THE BLAZERS RETURN—Yes, it's actually happening, even without the help of Brandon Roy. The abbreviated 2011-2012 NBA season sees the Portland Trail Blazers pitted against the Philadelphia 76ers in their season opener, a game that looks like a mild crapshoot. But damn. It's for real, so show your love. And tomorrow sees the Blazers face the Sacramento Kings. WE
Rose Garden Arena, 1 Center Court, 7 pm, $15-170

CAUCASIAN CHRISTMAS—I love spending the holidays with my family... my Big Lebowski family: Walter, El Duderino, and even Donny, who won't shut the eff up. We go bowling, get a little drunk, and the nihilist cousins get rowdy, but kindly uncle Sam Elliott calms us down with some wise words, and then we all go out for lingonberry pancakes! CF
Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton, Fri Dec 23-Thurs Dec 29, 7 & 9:15 pm, $7

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27

WOODY—One of the greatest filmmakers of the century... and a totally competent musician! Tonight Woody Allen and His New Orleans Jazz Band show up in Portland, not to screen Annie Hall or Manhattan or Match Point but to play some sweet, sweet jazz. Eh, I'll take it. EH
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 7:30 pm, $46.50 & up

METALLURGY—Let's get heavy, let's get dark, and let's motherfucking ROCK with Bay Area metal gods Black Cobra. Like a jackhammer to your skull, Black Cobra will assault you with sweet bombastic metal, wringing every last ounce of Christmas cheer from your system—with help from the equally heavy Norska, and Dog Shredder. Wait... Dog Shredder?? WSH
Star Theater, 13 NW 6th, 9 pm, $8-10

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28

A PORTLAND BIKE ENSEMBLE—People have, from time to time, felt the need to play their bicycle as a musical instrument—to celebrate that tiny orchestra we ride on every day. That's why A Portland Bike Ensemble has always stressed that they are A Portland Bike Ensemble, not The Portland Bike Ensemble. Get creaky! SS
w/Tunnels, Sunken Colony, MSHR; Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th, 9 pm

SMILEY'S PEOPLE—Handsome spies do surreptitious things while trotting the globe on errands of international importance. There is nothing not to like about this smart, sophisticated new adaptation of John le Carré's classic spy novel Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. AH
Various theaters, see Film Times dates and showtimes

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THURSDAY 12/22

AMIGO/AMIGA HOLIDAY PARTY: DREW GROW AND THE PASTORS' WIVES, KELLI SCHAEFER, BIRDS & BATTERIES, JASON DODSON
(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) The good folks at the Amigo/Amiga record label/collective have had one hell of a year. And it did not begin well: Musician Drew Grow suffered a terrible car accident back in January, which resulted in his hospitalization and a very long recovery. Fortunately, things got better as the year went on. In March, labelmate Kelli Schaefer released her excellent first full-length, the magnificent Ghost of the Beast. Then Grow and his band the Pastors' Wives snagged an opening slot on Wild Flag's tour. To top it all off, Schaefer and her drummer, Jeremiah Hayden (also drummer for the Pastors' Wives, and head honcho of the Amigo/Amiga label), decided to get engaged. Schaefer, Hayden, Grow, and the rest of the Amigo/Amiga crew close out this year of ups and downs with their annual holiday bash, with sets from both Grow and Schaefer, who are now quite evidently two of the strongest talents in town. They're joined by the Bay Area's Birds & Batteries, whose great 2010 album Panorama contains at least one masterpiece, the woozily emotional "Strange Kind of Mirror." NED LANNAMANN Also see My, What a Busy Week!

FRIDAY 12/23

AGESANDAGES, OLD LIGHT, 1939 ENSEMBLE
(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) Old Light steps out of studio hibernation (where they're working on the follow-up to 2010's The Dirty Future) to build their mighty wall of sound. Autoharp and harmonies are sure to fill the holiday void that's burrowed into your soul, and it'll be nice to see what these lads have been up to. AgesandAges (perhaps you've heard of them?) will bring their PDX Chamber Pop Now™ to the stage—a big band in the literal sense, whose grandiose harmonies and sly hooks reign supreme. Rounding out the bill are locals 1939 Ensemble, who will set the mood with an array of vibes, chimes, and percussion: more eerie than cheery, and that suits me just fine. MARK LORE Also see My, What a Busy Week!

SEX LIFE DJs, DJ VISION QUEST, DJ STONED WEREWOLF
(Valentine's, 232 SW Ankeny) See My, What a Busy Week!

THE RUBY PINES, WORTH GOOSE AND FOX, 1000 FUEGOS
(The Woods, 6637 SE Milwaukie) Consisting only of Michael Backus, Moorea Masa, and one lonely acoustic guitar, the Ruby Pines are a stripped-down sapling of a band—not to mention they've only been playing together for the better part of 2011. However, there is something hauntingly familiar and innate about the music this mostly local duo is making. Backus strums through blues riffs while Masa's thick and resounding voice stands intrepid at front and center, evoking Etta James, Mahalia Jackson, and other great vocalists who form our concepts of early R&B and gospel singing, and have been overthrowing our emotions for years. And with their scant collection of recordings—the Ruby Pines released a solid, self-titled EP in March—these live performances are to be cherished, with hopes that new material will be cropping up soon. RAQUEL NASSER

SATURDAY 12/24

BLOW PONY: DJ AIRICK, DJ JUST DAVE, DJ STORMY ROXX, DJ KID AMIGO, DJ TACO TUESDAY, DJ LINOLEUM
(Rotture, 315 SE 3rd) See My, What a Busy Week!

NEIL DIAMOND TRIBUTE
(Tony Starlight's, 3728 NE Sandy) See My, What a Busy Week!

SUNDAY 12/25

HEART AND SOUL XMAS: DJ COOKY PARKER
(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) See My, What a Busy Week!

MONDAY 12/26

ON THE STAIRS, JENN RAWLING
(Al's Den, 303 SW 12th) The weeklong residencies at Al's Den—the basement venue (and former sex dungeon!) underneath McMenamins' new Crystal Hotel—have offered unique shows from some of Portland's best musicians, all for the very reasonable price of free. This week, folk-soul outfit On the Stairs heads up a string of shows and special guests. The project of singer/guitarist Nate Clark, On the Stairs capably offers a unique take on standard songwriter fare by expertly injecting soulful grit and country blues. And he's got some friends in tow, including tonight's guest Jenn Rawling, and appearances by Leonard Mynx, St. Even, the Tumblers, Ed Thanhouser (whose band the Red Reds is set to release their great new Lost Leader record in the first weeks of 2012), and plenty more later in the week. NL

TUNNELS, MORI, JEF DRAWBAUGH
(Valentine's, 232 SW Ankeny) Nick Bindeman has had his grubby little paws in all kinds of projects, most notably Eternal Tapestry and Jackie-O Motherfucker. Tunnels is the Portland space cadet's one-man show, a sparer psych vehicle, where Bindeman builds off pulsing bass lines. The Blackout—his latest under the Tunnels moniker—takes a short sidestep out of the shadows, revealing some sharp hooks in those layers of sound. Think of it as a sonic appetizer to his more substantial work in Jackie-O and Eternal Tapestry. And in 2011, Tunnels has (d)evolved from that slightly creepy, weird dude in high school to a more confident, playful version of his former self. How you take this all depends on which end of the food chain you fall on. ML

TUESDAY 12/27

WOODY ALLEN AND HIS NEW ORLEANS JAZZ BAND
(Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway) Woody Allen's best movies, in order, are as follows: 1) Annie Hall. 2) Crimes and Misdemeanors. 3) Sleeper. 4) Manhattan. 5) Hannah and Her Sisters. Woody Allen's worst movies, in order, are as follows: 1) Anything Else. 2) You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger. 3) Hollywood Ending. 4) The Curse of the Jade Scorpion. 5) Small Time Crooks. His latest, Midnight in Paris, dug him out of a serious rut, resulting in the most fun any of his movies have been since 1994's Bullets over Broadway. His more experimental films remain strangely fascinating, the most overdue for reappraisal being: 1) Stardust Memories. 2) Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask). 3) Zelig. 4) Husbands and Wives. 5) Deconstructing Harry. What does all this have to do with the fact that the aging filmmaker is playing clarinet with his Dixieland jazz band in town tonight? Almost nothing, except that if you're shelling out the big bucks for a ticket, you're probably well aware that he's a far more interesting filmmaker than musician, and you've probably got your own top five list in each of those categories. NL Also see My, What a Busy Week!

BLACK COBRA, DOG SHREDDER, NORSKA
(Star Theater, 13 NW 6th) There are math-rock bands, and there is Dog Shredder from Bellingham. Their frantic and chaotic prog rampage would be better described as rocket-scientist rock. Halfway through every Dog Shedder song is an intense noise-rock freakout that is probably played different every time. And it all changes when they suddenly, simultaneously stop on a dime and turn the song inside out into some other tornado of off-timed riff. By the end of each blazing tune you'll find yourself wondering how you got there, and why you haven't blinked or taken a breath for a while. Plus, you haven't lived until you see this power trio of frothing, sweaty, orgasm-faced maniacs play a spot-on cover of Yes' "Heart of the Sunrise." ARIS WALES Also see My, What a Busy Week!

WEDNESDAY 12/28

A PORTLAND BIKE ENSEMBLE, TUNNELS, SUNKEN COLONY, MSHR
(Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th) See My, What a Busy Week!

OH DARLING, WE ARE NOT SHADOWS, ADVENTURE GALLERY
(Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside) If you are one of the few people left who still admits to watching TV, then you've heard Oh Darling. Their music pushes the sunniest of pop music boundaries and floods the brain with feather-light hooks and pleasant endorphins—a heady cocktail that pairs perfectly with prime time. The quartet's roots may run deep in Portland, but they've lived in LA for going on three years, long enough for the sunshine to permeate every last chord progression on this year's Brave the Sound. The record is almost as adorable as frontwoman Jasmine Ash, whose ethereal vocals are centered on the happier facets of being in love. Synth pop locals We Are Not Shadows will make their live debut with a more ambivalent take on life, one firmly rooted in the 1980s and the fine films of John Hughes. REBECCA WILSON

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SPYING IS, by definition, a tight-lipped profession.

This partially accounts for the surprising restraint of director Tomas Alfredson's Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, a new adaptation of John le Carré's classic Cold War espionage novel. But credit must be given to Alfredson, too, and the film's writing team, for trusting their audience's willingness to sit still and pay attention. Despite its innately thrilling subject matter (Globetrotting spies! Soviet moles!), Tinker is an assured, thoughtfully paced movie, slow to reveal its secrets. Of course, secrets become even more irresistible in the presence of actors like Tom Hardy and Benedict Cumberbatch—and a perfectly cast Gary Oldman as the mild-mannered George Smiley, le Carré's most enduring hero.

Smiley is a former member of the British secret service who's been brought back from retirement to determine the identity of a high-placed mole within his organization. With the help of his assistant (Cumberbatch), Smiley must interrogate his own past—and his own friendships—to determine which of his colleagues has been betraying them all.

Smiley & Co.'s brand of espionage is at least as much about psychology and manipulation as it is fake mustaches and car chases, and Tinker is a well-calibrated blend of exciting spy shenanigans and character observations. There's plenty of tension here, but this is ultimately an inward-facing movie, one that finds equal intrigue in Soviet assassinations and cocktail party betrayals. Plus, it's awfully nice to look at—all vintage office equipment and men in rumpled suits. The film's biggest accomplishment, though, is that it doesn't spoon-feed the audience a single thing: not a name, not a character relationship, not a hero, not a villain. But it's all there, if you're paying attention.

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AFTER DECADES of making not-so-thinly veiled films about psychosexual horrors, David Cronenberg's ditched the allegory and gone right to the source: A Dangerous Method is about bickering buddies Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, as well as the notably less notorious Sabina Spielrein (Keira Knightley), who starts off as one of Jung's yelping, yowling, perved-out patients before ending up, if not a peer, someone who certainly has her shit together a lot more than either of these weird old dudes.

At first, Knightley's presence in the film is more or less terrible; she screeches and contorts and giggles like a Pirates of the Caribbean star who's caught a whiff of an Oscar. Ostensibly, Spielrein is psychologically damaged—in desperate need of Jung's then-radical psychiatric care—but mostly she just makes everyone, including everyone in the audience, super uncomfortable. Once Knightley calms the hell down, we're left with a pretty okay movie about two screwed-up old dudes with cigars and ideas.

It's in Freud and Jung's theories that A Dangerous Method has its most appeal; when it comes to drama, we mostly just see that Freud (Viggo Mortensen) is grumpy and arrogant, Jung (Michael Fassbender) is selfish and arrogant, and Spielrein—who ends up having a spank-filled affair with Jung—does the best she can as someone who has the misfortune to be mentally ill, in love, and a woman in the earliest years of the 20th century. As Jung grows more mystical, Freud grows more harrumph-y, and Spielrein comes into her own, everything plays out more or less as you'd expect. Thank god that every once in a while, one of these three says something that still cuts to the core of why we broken, fucked-up humans act and feel the way we do. A century later, the ideas at the core of Cronenberg's too-austere film still feel sharp, still feel dangerous.

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SURPRISE! Thanks to an "emergency" vote hastily called by Mayor Sam Adams last Wednesday, December 14, what will likely be Portland's last chance for a long time to boost civilian oversight of cops has officially come and gone.

What happened? After weeks of hearings and several back-channel discussions between city commissioners and advocates, well... not much. No drug tests for cops who injure or kill someone. No new limits on when and how cops use force. And few new powers for the Citizen Review Committee (CRC), a volunteer panel currently charged with adjudicating appeals of police misconduct cases.

(While some other cities' citizen panels can make their own findings on misconduct cases, ours remains limited to checking over the work of police and Independent Police Review [IPR] investigators.)

Which leaves us almost exactly where the discussion first began in November, when Adams and City Auditor LaVonne Griffin-Valade issued reports rejecting all but a handful of suggestions that advocates had been pushing for months, if not years in many cases.

But now, advocates worry if even that "do little" approach is still true. In an 11th-hour amendment pushed by Adams, the CRC actually lost some flexibility when it comes to handling new information that emerges in appeals hearings. Instead of using that information to directly modify rulings on misconduct cases, it must now send that information back to the police or IPR for further review and then hold another hearing.

Becky Straus of the American Civil Liberties Union of Oregon called the change "unnecessary and problematic to the independent functioning of the CRC."

Adams' office insists the change actually "enhances" the CRC's role by codifying vague procedures. But, tellingly, neither the CRC nor the IPR said they had pushed Adams for the change. And the change was proposed just days before the December 14 vote—a vote that officials like IPR Director Mary-Beth Baptista, even that day, had assumed would wait until January for more discussion.

The fallout from Adams' change to the CRC probably won't be as dire as advocates say. But the dispute on what's ultimately a wonky point is emblematic of how city council has handled the whole affair.

Advocates hoped for something "transformational." They didn't get it—they never really had a chance to make their case—even though Adams says he can't "remember an issue in my time that we spent more time talking about and thinking about."

So, now city hall and the Portland Police Bureau will pat themselves on the back. And Adams offered a solution to anyone who doesn't like it: the ballot box. He noted that Griffin-Valade, who oversees the IPR, is "independently elected." And "I have to stand for reelection as well."

Except, next year, he isn't.

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Think Santa's the only person who has to work Christmas? THINK AGAIN! A bevy of Portlanders work the holidays on a regular basis—and hey! As it turns out, it's not so bad. What follows are interviews with just a few of these hard-working holiday employees who make Christmas a bit brighter for the rest of us.

BARTENDER

Betsy May Storey is the manager at Beulahland, where she's pulled more than one shift behind the bar on Christmas Day. (But be advised, drunkies: This year Beulahland will NOT be open on Christmas.) ALISON HALLETT

MERCURY: How many times have you worked on Christmas?

BETSY MAY STOREY: Probably like three years, but we close on Christmas now. For a while it was on a volunteer basis—if we wanted to work we could.

Why would you volunteer to work Christmas?

Because it was fun. It's like the day of the misfits—it's everyone who doesn't have a place to go. It's more of a party vibe than a regular day at the bar. And the money.

Is the money significantly better?

Yeah. It's Christmas! You're buying people drinks a lot more, they're tipping more.

What's the best thing about working Christmas?

It's that family vibe... you reinvent your own family holiday in a place where's there's booze and cigarettes. It's also the people you work with on that day, even more than the customers. It's like you're in the shit together—you just have to put your head down and get it done. You work in a bar long enough and those are the people you want to spend the holiday with anyway—the people you work with every day, and stay up 'til four in the morning with four nights a week.

What's the worst thing?

Getting your ass handed to you unexpectedly. Being so busy and being completely unprepared for it. I've worked Thanksgivings, I've worked Christmases, and sometimes they're really slow and sometimes it's madness. It's completely unpredictable.

What's your best story from working Christmas?

It was probably like two or three years ago. My coworker and I volunteered to work, but it was just the two of us—there was no cook, no barback. We had our head cook make us up three casseroles we could heat up and serve. We opened at 4 pm, and it turned out we were the only place that was open in like a 7- to 10-mile radius. And suddenly it was completely slammed... the place was completely full, and it just kind of digressed to such a point that there was no way for us to even help anyone. But everyone was having fun watching us struggle. There was one point, it was about 7 pm and we were gonna be open until 4 am, and [my coworker] just looked at me and said, "We're fucked." And she grabbed these two pint glasses and just slammed them on the floor... and there was a lady who was a regular, and this little shard of glass went into her eye. And suddenly our joke wasn't funny anymore. But she stayed! She didn't leave! She said it was the best show in town. We bought her so many drinks.

POLICE OFFICER

Surprise! Crime never takes a day off—not even Christmas. And that means some cops don't get the day off, either. And after 18 years with the Portland Police Bureau, Sergeant Pete Simpson has worked his share of holiday shifts. Usually, he says, he finds something to enjoy about it. DENIS C. THERIAULT

MERCURY: What are the best and worst things about working on Christmas?

PETE SIMPSON: The best thing is that people start out the day a little friendlier than usual. They wave and say "Merry Christmas." The worst thing is having to respond to the family fight in the afternoon—after everyone has had too much eggnog.

What kind of spread, if any, gets put out at the precincts for officers who work Christmas?

The precincts have potlucks for all three shifts, so anyone who has to work gets to enjoy a holiday meal. Lots of officers are masters with a Traeger grill—so usually the food is pretty darn good. In years past, the police union has paid for officers' meals at predetermined restaurants in each precinct. Most of the shift is spent out on the road as usual.

How do you navigate family obligations/parties while on the shift?

Navigating family obligations depends on the shift. Some morning-shift officers will get the family up early and celebrate Christmas before work. Graveyard officers will get home, celebrate Christmas, and then go to bed. Generally families work around your schedule, which often makes for a unique, non-traditional Christmas Eve or Day.

What's the weirdest thing that ever happened to you during a Christmas shift?

My first Christmas as a police officer was 1993. I was a shiny, brand new policeman, and my partner and I went to Emanuel Hospital on an assault call. We talked to female victim who told us a long story about how she and her boyfriend were at a bar drinking and playing video poker. She went home and he followed shortly after, continuing the fight. He started beating her and she fell down under the tree, where she noticed the present she got him for Christmas: a brand new pocketknife. She grabbed the knife and stabbed him in the side, then escaped out of the trailer and called for a ride to the hospital.

We left the hospital and raced out to the trailer in deep St. Johns, where we found the boyfriend on the floor, knife in his side, barely alive. He went to the hospital, then to jail. She was treated and released without charges.

It made for an interesting story to share with my friends and family.

HOMELESS SHELTER EMPLOYEE

Daniel Roby has been working holiday shifts at various homeless shelters across Portland for six years. Now an outreach coordinator at West Burnside's Portland Rescue Mission, Roby looks forward to Christmas with his second family each year. ALEX ZIELINSKI

MERCURY: How did you end up working on Christmas?

DANIEL ROBY: I realized that it's more than just a building for them to be in—it's being a second family for these people. The emotional need of these guests really keeps me coming back.

How is working on Christmas different than any other day at the rescue mission?

We really amp up the resources to make the holiday special. Instead of a buffet, we have restaurant-style serving, decorations, and movies. It's very merry!

Are the residents treated any differently than those who are just there for the night?

Yes, a little. Our 40 residents are given presents and a more long-term feeling of home than those who just stop by. We also know them a lot more than the others, so it's our job to fill that slot of family.

What's the best part about working on Christmas?

It's important for our guests that they're with someone that they know—that cares about them. I can tell it means something more to them, and that's what matters.

And the hardest part?

The reality. Since I see these folks all year round, I know their stories and why they're removed from society. It's one thing to spend a day with them, but having a long-term relationship with these people makes you realize that you can't entirely make up for the things they've lost.

Any special memories from Christmases past?

We're one of the only places open on Christmas Eve. I love every year when we have all of our guests in the warm chapel relaxing and watching It's a Wonderful Life when everything else is closed.

CAB DRIVER

Holly Morgan knows a lot of folks. As Holly Hotbox, she's been the backbeat of Portland band Thee Headliners for well over a decade. Holly's also been a cab driver for Radio Cab for almost seven years, so she knows a thing or two about working on the same day as Santa. COURTNEY FERGUSON

MERCURY: How do cabbies feel about working on the holidays?

HOLLY MORGAN: Most people absolutely don't want to work it—they want to spend it with their families. I started a tradition working on the holidays in Seattle, because my mom passed away on Christmas. My brother and I went to the Comet Tavern, and we got shithoused. So after that, we would get drunk or work. For me Christmas was a moot point—but I've tried rebuilding it over the years.

Are you working on Christmas this year?

Not this year. I am going to work on Christmas Eve, but I have [worked] on it a bunch. It's really lucrative. There are fewer cabs so more work for the drivers who are working. Massive pity tips. People will gift you things. They'll run inside and bring you food, like plates with turkey dinner.

Any drunken Santas in your cab?

[Laughs.] Lots! Especially during SantaCon. Last night, I picked up a gaggle of Santa's lady elves and they were wasted. I had to cover my ears 'cause of the shrieking. I don't know if Santa would approve. Life is just a comedy record that just spins around and around.

Any sexy cab time?

When you pick up drunken people, some of 'em will hit on you. So I say, "No honey, I'm just here to drive you." But one time, I let myself slip. This guy was really cute and it was his birthday, so I made out with him for a minute in the front seat. He was really cute.

MOVIE THEATER EMPLOYEE

When he isn't playing Captain Kirk in Trek in the Park, Adam Rosko works at the Roseway Theater. Hey, guess what two of the busiest days of the year are for movie theaters? Thanksgiving and Christmas. ERIK HENRIKSEN

MERCURY: How long have you been working at the Roseway?

ADAM ROSKO: For a little over a year. This'll be my second holiday season here.

Do you like working on Christmas?

As long as I'm able to spend time with people at some point, I don't mind it so much.

What's the best part about it?

We get a nice holiday pay bump, so there's an added incentive. Also, customers are friendlier than usual. They understand the situation.

Okay, so what's the shittiest part about working on Christmas?

Aside from working on Christmas? I guess it would be explaining to the people close to me I have to work on Christmas. 

Do your loved ones resent you for it?

I have to please not only my family, but my girlfriend's family, so there's a little more juggling with time when there's a job thrown in to boot. Most of the time it's cool, but sometimes there are relatives disappointed because, of all the family I interact with on the holidays, I'm the only one who has to work.

Do a lot of families come in on Christmas? And is it obvious these families are miserable and going to films in order to avoid speaking with each other?

Earlier in the day it's usually the family members that are ordered to get the hell out of the way of the other family members [who are] making the holiday dinner. Later, it's anyone and everyone with either a turkey- or ham-stuffed glow, trying to decide if popcorn is a good idea.

TV ANCHOR

Steph Stricklen has worked in TV for 13 years, now anchoring KGW's Live @ 7 newscast. She is an international superstar. SARAH MIRK

MERCURY: Who's stuck at the TV station working Christmas every year?

STEPH STRICKLEN: In this business, someone's always gotta work Christmas. You know when you get into it that you're working every holiday. Move to a larger city, a larger market, and the cycle repeats itself. You're back at the bottom of the totem pole. Our main anchors may not be working Christmas, but they worked many, many holidays when they started out. There are also people at KGW who will volunteer to work to get the opportunity to show off what they can do.

What does the station feel like on Christmas Eve?

Like a ghost town. The parking lot's wide open, the lights are off at the front desk, you walk down a back hallway to the newsroom where there are, you know, three of you. KGW is awesome, because they'll try to produce specials so more people can take time off. You'll see stations pick up all sorts of feel-good stories. They'll take them, wrap them all up into a beautiful 30-minute special and have a anchor record intros to those stories, put a bow on it, and just put 'em in the can, ready for Christmas. People like watching those feel-good specials on Christmas, anyway.

Is the mood in the station really dreary, or kind of fun?

You'll sing your sob story, "Oh, I'm going into work!" but our station caters a really nice meal, turkey with trimmings. It's all hot, brought in on those trays with flames underneath. Reporters are used to eating fast food and cold pizza, so it's such a treat. The staff just descends on the food. The next day, there's always that one dish that no one liked still sitting there, all crusty in the conference room.

So do you have to work Christmas this year? Or are you a big enough deal that you get it off?

I got off both Christmas and Thanksgiving this year! But I think I just got lucky. Ask me next year. If I get it off next year, maybe I'll have arrived.

STRIPPER

Olivia is a dancer and bartender at the Casa Diablo vegan strip club on Highway 30. She'll be dancing from 11 am-9 pm on Christmas Day. MARJORIE SKINNER

MERCURY: How many Christmases have you worked here?

OLIVIA: I've worked here for just over a year, so this is the first time.

What did you do prior to joining the Casa Diablo team? Did you ever have to work Christmas?

I was a general contractor. About two years ago I lost my business, so I started dancing and bartending (which is a really fun job that I'm very thankful for). I worked Christmas many times for many years.

Is working at a strip club on Christmas typically busy?

It really depends, and differs year to year. Sometimes it's only the regulars, and sometimes there will be big parties and people coming in with their families. Christmas Eve will probably be really busy, because it's a Saturday.

Are you guys planning anything special?

[We've been too busy to do] any specials this year. However, we did just add the acrobatic aerial silks. Not sure if the dancer who uses those is working on Christmas... but those are really cool.

How about you? Wearing anything special?

Yeah, I'll probably wear a Santa hat and get a giant candy cane or something! If it wasn't a vegan club I would probably bake Christmas cookies and give them to the customers.

You could always make vegan cookies.

Yeah, vegan cookies. I could! I'm not vegan, but I was pleasantly surprised that the food here is really good.

Dancing to Christmas music: yes or no?

Yes! I will absolutely dance to Christmas music—especially the old jazz standards, like "White Christmas."

Is it rough not seeing your family or friends?

I typically don't have any issue with working holidays. I grew up in a family where my dad always worked on Christmas because it paid double. And I'll be going to a family dinner on Christmas Eve, and another get-together later on Christmas Day. We work it in!

KRAMPUS

Legendary Krampus is a loveable horned monster that accompanies Santa Claus on his Christmas Eve sojourn, eating and torturing all the bad little children for whom Santa brought no presents. SUZETTE SMITH

MERCURY: What's the best thing about working on Christmas?

KRAMPUS: Umm... Eating the children. Yeah, definitely. Eating their little fatty bits. Children are really fat this time of year.

What's the worst thing about working on Christmas?

Ugh. Santa and his procrastination. You know, we started out as Birthday Man and Krampus, but he procrastinates so bad. I find him by his big sleigh bed, crying his little sparkling eyes out. "Oh, Krampus, how am I going to deliver all these presents? Oh, Krampus, there are so many airplanes." There have been airplanes for decades, dude. I end up spending all my time helping him and have exactly no time to focus on my own preparations.

You have pre-Christmas preparations?

Sure. I sharpen my teeth. I know it sounds easy but I have to sharpen them a lot. Kids are getting tough. Har har. No, I'm serious. Kids are eating too much gluten. Fiber is almost a myth now.

Um. You're from Alpine Country. Where is that?

Germany, Italy... any place with an Alp, really. Now, however, with the advent of the internet, I'm able to go almost anywhere and eat people's children. I'm taking meetings right now for a movie where some teenagers go to a Krampus website and then I come to their house and eat them. It's going to be a trilogy, I think.

Sounds exciting.

I think it would work better as a game show. These blood-sucking LA types aren't hip to my jive. They want me to sacrifice all my principles. I've been Krampus for centuries. Now I'm going to fall in love with Anne Hathaway? I think not.

So, will we be seeing you in Portland this year?

Oh, Portland kids are cool. They're into nature. I'm into nature. Plus a lot of 'em are bilingual. I know pretty much every language because bad kids like to barter. I see a lot of myself in Portland. I was thinking of investing in an eco-loft for the off-season. Maybe I could shoot my TV show here or do a comedy thing like be on Portlandia. Hey, I'm Krampus. I'm trying to keep my options open.

Do you have any "worst Christmas" stories?

Oh, pretty much everything infuriates me. I'm Krampus.

Do you have any "best Christmas" stories?

There was the time I ate the Lindbergh baby. Man. That was one bad baby.

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Here are some things I said in 2011. Providing "context" doesn't really help my case.

On Batman:

Attaching a cape to a cowl is the stupidest thing ever. One step on your cape, and NECK SNAP! Stephen Hawking's teaching you how to use your fancy new wheelchair.

On Tom "Smallville" Welling's Nipples:

Where once these teats were a model of structural perfection—a luminous coral hue, areolas 1.2 inches (30 mm) in circumference, and nipples five-stacked-quarters high—they are now a sad leathery shade of brown, cracked around the edges, and drooping in unceremonious defeat. ARE WE TO BELIEVE THESE ARE THE NIPPLES OF A SUPERMAN??

On My Nipples:

Observe the nipples of a god!! As you can plainly see, MY nippolinis are the stuff ancient sculptors would spend their lives trying to recreate. My areolas? A hot 25 mm in diameter. The color? That of a glorious sunrise. At their most erect, they rise (majestically, I might add) to a whopping 14 mm—long enough to hang your average hat upon or use in a ring-toss competition. They often cause those who are 5'4" to receive ocular damage. Why, yes—they DO have the ability to cut glass. And if I fall forward, it's unnecessary for me to put my hands out to catch myself—THAT'S how perky my nipples are!

On Murdering Zombies:

There is nothing funnier than an angry donkey kicking a zombie in the face. Simply point the donkey's hindquarters at a zombie. When the zombie shambles into range, use a long stick with a feather attached to tickle the donkey's anus, and... KABOOM! (Bring extra underpants—you may pee yourself laughing!)

On Weenie Dogs:

Weenie dogs are the worst. The worst dogs, yes. But also the worst anything. Weenie dogs are ugly, misshapen, unnecessarily angry, and racist. YES, RACIST!! Because of their German descent, not only do they despise Jews and homosexuals, they hate ALL races—except the weenie dog race. There's only one weenie dog race I love... and that's when 20 weenie dogs race each other around a horse track. It's HILARIOUS!!

Also on Weenie Dogs:

Weenie dogs are clinically insane. Are sharks insane? NO. When they take a bite out of a seal, surfer, or sex-crazed teenager, it's usually because they're starving to death. Conversely, the reason weenie dogs take a bite out of people's ankles is for one of the following reasons: (1) Weenie Dog God told them to. (2) The person's ankle reminds them of a Jew. (3) They believe their teeth are miniature diamond-encrusted robots that will teleport them to weenie dog heaven if constantly coated in human blood and cat feces. In short, WEENIE DOGS ARE BATSHIT CRAZY!!

On Billy Goats:

Here's the problem with billy goats: They don't discriminate. As it turns out, billy goats don't give two billy craps whether they're eating unwanted credit-card applications, last week's paycheck, a pot of spaghetti you left on the stove all week, or your genitals while you're asleep. In short, billy goats are baaaaaaaah-d. (Sorry. In fact... I'm sorry for everything.)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 22

8:00 FOX THE X FACTOR

Season finale! The winner of what is clearly the most annoying reality contest of all time is crowned!

8:00 TLC INVASION OF THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS 2

Apparently one TV special about insane Christmas light displays from around the country isn't enough.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23

8:00 CW OLIVE, THE OTHER REINDEER

Drew Barrymore lends her voice to this adorable holiday animated classic! (Needs more creepy wooden puppets.)

8:00 BBCA WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME

Fans of the NPR game show will enjoy this special TV version starring Americans vs. limeys.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24

8:00 NBC IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE—Movie

(1946) After sniffing "Zuzu's petals," a man suffers weird, passive-aggressive hallucinations.

9:00 BBCA THE NERDIST: YEAR IN REVIEW

The much-beloved geek podcast relives the nerdiest nerd things of 2011 (AKA "The Year of the Nerd")!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 25

8:00 ABC HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS

The classic Dr. Seuss animated version, and not the revolting Jim Carrey movie. (By the way, Merry Xmas everybody! You're cool!)

MONDAY, DECEMBER 26

8:00 SUND THE MORTIFIED SESSIONS

Back to the Future's Lea Thompson and The Breakfast Club's Anthony Michael Hall tell their most mortifying stories!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27

8:00 WE TEXAS MULTI MAMAS

Debut! Because the world does not have enough shows about hillbillies and women with too many children.

9:00 FOX NEW GIRL

Fearing he'll run into his ex-girlfriend, Nick asks Jess to be his date at a wedding. (OH, JUST SCREW ALREADY!!)

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 28

8:00 FOX RAISING HOPE

In this hilarious repeat, Jimmy learns he was once a musical prodigy—until suddenly he wasn't.

9:00 TLC EXTREME CHEAPSKATES

Documenting extreme measures some people take to save money. (Five bucks says someone reuses toilet paper!)

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MICHEL HAZANAVICIUS likes trying on different eras for size. Known primarily for OSS 117, his cheeky parody of 1960s spy movies, the French director's gotten more serious, and consequently more charming, with his latest. The Artist is the story of a silent film actor in decline, told as an actual silent film. It sounds gimmicky, and sort of is, but the sincerity of the delivery and the attention to detail make for a winning re-creation of a bygone age.

Set in the late 1920s, Hazanavicius' OSS superspy Jean Dujardin stars as matinee idol George Valentin. At the premiere of his latest romp, Valentin crosses paths with Peppy Miller (Bérénice Bejo), a lovely would-be actress with enough gumption to deserve her name. George gives her a leg up, and she falls for the mustachioed devil. Talkies rise while the stock market falls, and when George insists audiences don't want to "see me talk," his career flounders. It's up to Peppy to fight for his pride... and his heart. Awwww.

Outside of a few key scenes of dialogue and sound effects, The Artist stays true to the aesthetics and techniques of silent cinema. Within the square black-and-white frame, the story plays out with only music and dialogue cards. Both Dujardin and Bejo are fetching, and Hazanavicius never demands they go too far with their imitation, avoiding caricature or parody. Plot-wise, The Artist mirrors A Star Is Born and other melodramatic narratives of early Hollywood fairly well­—perhaps too well, as the movie goes on too long, lingering in the more obvious third act rather than moving quickly toward the inevitable happy ending. Still, Hazanavicius has plenty to say about changing times and the purity of expression, so sticking to his guns only serves to justify The Artist's message.

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WHILE THE JAPANESE may be the best at building robots, they're the worst at building robots that aren't terrifying. Scientific types call this effect "the uncanny valley"—wherein artificial life forms look almost real, therefore inspiring revulsion in the viewer. Among Tintin fans, this was the greatest fear for The Adventures of Tintin, in which director Steven Spielberg chose to use ultra-realistic computer animation to bring this much-beloved comic book hero to life.

The film is roughly based on three of Belgian author Hergé's Tintin adventures: The Crab with the Golden Claws, The Secret of the Unicorn, and Red Rackham's Treasure. Teen reporter Tintin (Jamie Bell) and his faithful dog Snowy stumble upon secret pirate parchments that point to a sunken treasure of staggering value. Pairing up with a descendant of the pirate—the perpetually drunken Captain Haddock (Andy Serkis)—the threesome travel the world unraveling the secret while avoiding death at the evil, greedy hands of Ivanovich Sakharine (Daniel Craig), who has a secret of his own.

If you're familiar with the books, you already know they're filled with adventure, crazy syntax, and hilarious broad comedy. And while Spielberg unsurprisingly packs The Adventures of Tintin with adventure, the film's humor falls surprisingly flat—most likely because of Spielberg's quest for visual perfection. While the computer animation is leaps and bounds better than Robert Zemeckis' über-creepy stuff like The Polar Express, Spielberg lovingly focuses nearly every frame on the extreme realism of the characters and surroundings—so much so that I missed hefty chunks of exposition while studying Tintin's pores.

Translating something as universally beloved as Tintin to the screen is certainly a thankless and nearly impossible task—though I can't help but think the film would've been better served if Spielberg and crew had gone with a more non-realistic comic-booky style, like one that was used with great success in Pixar's The Incredibles. After all, the real adventures of Tintin are as far away from reality as one can get—and sometimes that's exactly where we want to go.

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I REMEMBER the first time I fell in love with a bar, and what it felt like when it broke my heart.

Max's was beer only, and it smelled incessantly of piss and popcorn. There was no TV—just a jukebox, a piano, and a slanted pool table. Every now and then, they'd let motorcycles ride through the bar. It was commonly understood to be the inspiration for Moe's on The Simpsons, even if someone inevitably called bullshit (I'm with the "yea" crowd). Even though it was only a few blocks from the college campus, Max's wasn't full of students. We'd sit at the bar with giant frosty mugs and listen to old drunks tell us their war stories—and I wasn't so cynical then; it all sounded romantic.

Last summer, I was back in Eugene for a wedding. After the reception, some friends and I gave into our nostalgia and made a pilgrimage. Max's was filled with flip flops and flat screens. The bartender was mixing cocktails for sorority girls. We were—in our late 20s and early 30s—the oldest people in the bar (a fact a young lady at the next table was quick to point out).

If Max's had a Portland equivalent, it was undoubtedly the old Lutz Tavern. For 60-some years, the Lutz served cheap swill to blue-collar folks and Reed kids that didn't mind walking those extra few blocks. It was beer only, cash only, and served the bare minimum of food that the OLCC required. It had its own (disputed) notoriety—many credit the bar as the birthplace of Pabst as its current cultural signifier—and a great many people loved it.

In September of 2010, the Lutz closed down. The owners were borrowing money to keep the doors open, and eventually decided that time was up. After a farewell bash, they closed up shop. A year later, it was reopened by the crew behind Clinton Street Pub and Crow Bar. Even though I laid no claim to the Lutz—I always enjoyed it, but I only drank there a handful of times—I fretted over flashbacks of my Max's experience.

On paper, my fear was justified. If it's inconvenience that keeps the assholes away, I saw signs of trouble: They were offering liquor and accepting credit cards. Instead of spicy pickles and cold cuts, they were serving burgers, wings, and other bar-food staples. It was a little sleeker, a little cleaner, a little darker... a little "hipper."

But it was also a great neighborhood bar.

The new owners lost some of the clutter (and a lot of the lottery dollars), but the space is hardly unfamiliar. The red leather booths remain, as do the long, curved bar and the vintage phone booth. You can still choose from a selection of cheap tall boys ($2 each), and their microbrew selection includes taps from Boneyard, Bear Republic, Double Mountain, and Everybody's Brewing among others (pints go for $4).

The kitchen might be the most welcome addition. Our waitress' recommendation of the Brokeback Burger ($9, with fries)—their version of a Western burger, with bacon, BBQ sauce, crispy onions, and an off-the-menu addition of peanut butter—went over well at our table. The patties are nothing to write home about (and nothing to complain about either), but they do well with their toppings.   

The fried pork loin sandwich ($8) is comically large. Served on a normal-sized bun, the breaded loin touches—even eclipses—each side of the basket. It's not hyperbole when I tell you that this sandwich was bigger than my face. When I laughed and commented on the size, the waitress told me that mine wasn't even on the bigger side. While I could only eat about a third of what they put in front of me, it's no reflection on the flavor (mustard and pickles go a long way). The hand-dipped corndog, similarly, was about as big as I've ever seen.

Video poker, thankfully, is gone, but the back corner has a few pinball machines (Congo, Medieval Madness, and The Getaway, for you enthusiasts). TVs are present, but easily ignored if that's not your thing.

I'm sure there are plenty of regulars from the old Lutz Tavern that'll disagree with me. I understand. I spent an exhausting 15 minutes that night at Max's, explaining to the girl that called me old why her favorite bar paled in comparison to its old incarnation. You can't go home again, I guess. But if you can put all that behind you, there really isn't a comparable bar in the neighborhood (and if you can't, the Hidden East is still a total shithole). It may not be your grandfather's favorite bar anymore, but it'll probably be somebody's.

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WHEN IT COMES to parking rates—the largest generator of local cash for transportation projects—Portland has been giving itself the short end of the stick.

Park curbside to grab a sandwich at SW 5th and Oak, and the tab at a city parking meter is $1.60 an hour. Park a few feet away, in a private lot run by City Center Parking, and it costs $5 an hour. By keeping its meter rates below market value, Portland is not only passing up a huge stream of revenue for its cash-starved transportation bureau—it's also failing to live up to its own goal of encouraging people to drive less.

This year, Seattle and San Francisco rolled out new "variable parking" plans that set parking rates according to models based on supply and demand. Not Portland. However, the city experimented with the idea around Jeld-Wen Field during Timbers games this season.

The city overall has 8,437 metered parking spots, bringing in roughly $19 million annually by charging $1 an hour for Lloyd Center spots and $1.60 an hour on the Westside. Meanwhile, the Portland Bureau of Transportation (PBOT) is hurting for cash, in part because its funding system is based largely on the state gas tax. As the city promotes non-car transportation options, people are driving less and gas tax revenue is falling short of expectations ["Overcommitted!," News, Dec 15].

"We fund people here to go out and actively undermine our financial system. Over the longer haul, something has to give," says PBOT Director Tom Miller, adding that he'd welcome it if city council reworked Portland's parking system, both to raise revenue and also to promote the city's goal of reducing greenhouse gas emissions 80 percent by 2050.

"We are not anywhere close to market value on the cost of these stalls," Miller says. "Parking is a resource we manage on behalf of the public, and I think the public expects PBOT to manage its resources for maximize return."

Portland's experiment around Jeld-Wen this year had big returns. At 449 meters during 20 Timber's home games last season, city council agreed to double the hourly price of parking and also extend evening meter times for three hours. Portland's SmartMeters already had the technology to set different parking rates at specific times. The change nearly tripled city revenue from the parking spots: from $2,205 on an average non-game Friday to $6,398 on the Timbers' May 6 match against Philadelphia.

But despite that success, market-based parking isn't on city council's agenda right now.

Mayor Sam Adams, Miller's boss, says that although he's looking at "various things" to raise revenue, variable parking is not on the front burner. A variable-parking plan floated by Portland State University this year also has stalled.

Last winter, San Francisco scored a $24 million federal grant to create SFpark, a market-based parking system. New meters detect empty spaces and raise or lower prices by as much as 50 cents an hour—which consumers can track citywide on smart-phone apps.

Seattle's parking changes aren't quite that fancy. But starting in 2011 the city upped rates in its four busiest neighborhoods and cut prices in 11 sleepier areas. Both plans were aimed toward freeing up parking, not generating revenue, and both of those cities say the market-based system has been revenue neutral so far, since they slashed rates while raising others.

San Francisco and Seattle's systems were inspired by the research of progressive parking guru Donald Shoup, author of The High Cost of Free Parking. Shoup says variable parking shouldn't necessarily be used to generate more city revenue, but that it's smarter than asking politicians to be on the hook for every parking rate discussion.

"Does Portland want to look more like San Francisco or Seattle? Or does it want to look like Phoenix?" asks Shoup. "It makes much more sense to adopt a rule for parking prices, rather than every time, on every block, anyone wants to change the price of parking, it has to go before city council."

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IF WE CAN AGREE that Mission: Impossible III is one of the more underrated bits of pop filmmaking in the past few years—which, yes, let's agree on that, it'll make this review easier to write and it'll make me like you more—then it doesn't come as too big of a surprise that its follow-up, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, is also really solid. What is surprising is how different the films are: While the intense, clever Mission: Impossible III marked the big-screen directorial debut of J.J. Abrams, the funny, popcorny Ghost Protocol is the first live-action flick from animation genius Brad Bird, the guy behind The Iron Giant and Pixar's The Incredibles.

That's not to say Ghost Protocol has an actual plot, because c'mon: All that's really needed here is a halfway sturdy framework to hang crazy-ass action sequences on, and check mark on that, so great. In short, something something nuclear war, and the only people who can save the all-but-doomed world are Tom Cruise and his club of action heroes/nerds (this time around: Jeremy Renner, Paula Patton, the always-excellent Simon Pegg). And so everybody runs around: the Kremlin! (It blows up!) The Burj Khalifa! (Cruise bounces around like Spider-Man on it, two billion miles in the air, giving everyone in the audience an anxiety attack!) India! (India!)

While Abrams' Mission stripped down the blockbuster/action/spy genre to its leanest, meanest, trickiest bits, Bird just wants to have fun with this thing, and damn, does he ever: With a lighthearted tone and exceedingly well-executed mash-ups of preposterous action and witty physical comedy, Bird lines up a series of great moments from both his cast and his stunt team. The only things really lacking are (A) ghosts and (B) protocols. But whatever: There's a huge surplus of fun to make up for those deficits, and in a season defined by family and financial stress at home, and Oscar bait in theaters, fun's a pretty great thing to have.

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Dear wannabe graffiti writers in Southeast: This is not the fucking Bronx. It's inner Southeast Portland ("Sunnyside" to be exact), and your tag just looks dumb here. And even as tags go, it sucks ass. It has no flair or style at all, because your little hand was probably trembling too much in the five seconds you ran up and did it and then ran like hell. So it looks all the more stupid when you go out and put it on the side of a place that sells knitting supplies or my 71-year-old neighbor's compost bin, because that's all you have the balls to do. Please, if you're going to do this shit, at least practice first. Come up with a decent tag or throw up, and get good at it. Then, get some balls, go downtown or somewhere where Portland resembles an actual city, and do a legitimate piece in a legitimate spot. Other writers will respect you, and people who see it will have to concede that despite constituting vandalism it is a pretty sick piece. Otherwise, just quit now, which is probably what you're going to do in six months anyway when you move on to the next thing you think makes you cool.—Anonymous

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Arts advocates must get tired of repeating the same old lines about why public funding for the arts is important: Funding the arts creates jobs. Creative industries generate billions. Arts education in schools boosts literacy and critical thinking skills. And sometimes, creative people come up with creative ways to better their communities. 'Tis the season for feel-good newspaper profiles, so here are three local organizations using the arts to do just that.

Street Books

Back in June, we profiled "street librarian" Laura Moulton, who runs mobile library Street Books—which provides books to people who are homeless, transient, or otherwise unable to take advantage of the public library system. Maybe you've seen Moulton and her book-laden bike trailer—she parks at the Skidmore Fountain around lunchtime on Mondays and Wednesdays, rain or shine, and she's recently begun serving Old Town's Right 2 Dream Too tent city. Donated books are loaned out via an old-school card catalog; patrons have the option, if they like, of sharing their photograph and book selection on the Street Books website. There are no due dates, no late fees, and no real expectation that books will be returned—but repeat patrons, as well as Moulton's regular visits to Right 2 Dream Too mean some loaned books do return to circulation.

"It's impressive to see how well the Right 2 Dream Too camp has come together, in terms of organization and community," Moulton says, "and the residents' commitment to the community can definitely be seen in the number of books we get returned."

In addition to Right 2 Dream Too, Moulton has benefited from relationships with other community organizations: Ecotrust offered Moulton free storage for the many donated books she's received, Portland Pedicabs provides garage space for Moulton to store the trike that doubles as a mobile book cart, and Street Roots donates free ads to help Moulton connect with new patrons.

Moulton is working on acquiring nonprofit status for Street Books, and she hopes to expand operations over time. She also has plans to introduce a book club—fittingly, the first book will be Peter Rock's My Abandonment, the fictionalized account of a father and daughter living off the grid in Forest Park. (Rock, who lives in Portland, has agreed to do a Q&A at the end of the book club. Broadway Books has committed to donating 8-10 copies of the book.) And because this is Portland and it is winter, "We are offering Ziploc bags to anybody who checks out a book," Moulton says.

Street Books is currently fundraising for summer operations. Support Moulton's ongoing efforts at streetbooks.org, and stay tuned for details of upcoming book drives.

The New Memories Project

"Curious Comedy's mission is to improve the lives of children, adults, and seniors through the art of comedy," Artistic Director Stacey Hallal tells me. That mission has unfolded in various ways in the three years since Curious Comedy opened its doors as a venue and improv school in Northeast Portland—in addition to regular improv shows, the nonprofit is working on a literacy program for kids and organizing a festival to support female comedians. But their newest venture is their most innovative to date: The New Memories Project aims to use improv to improve the lives of people with Alzheimer's.

During the four-week pilot program, teachers from Curious Comedy led improv workshops and games in an assisted care facility, an experience Hallal described as "amazing."

"Alzheimer's patients spend a lot of time in this [frustrating] state of not being able to remember what they want to remember—so we're trying to use improv, which is about being in the moment, to offer relief from that," Hallal says. "The goal is to relieve agitation and increase positive interaction; the loftiest goal would be that we would have a positive effect on their actual memory." Plus, it's just supposed to be fun: "The last time, as we left," Hallal tells me, "one of the women said, 'It's so fun to be goofy again!'"

To prepare for their visits, Hallal and her team participated in a program put on by the Alzheimer's Association called "Alzheimer's 101," and observed a facility's activity director working with a group of patients.

"We've done four pilot workshops and really honed and developed the curriculum, and every single time has been really moving and really fun," Hallal says. "It's a powerful experience for everybody involved. What's amazing to us is that you have these seniors who may not remember you're coming week to week—on our third workshop, one of the residents told us it was her first day at the facility, but as we started to go through the workshop she remembered the game and had actually thought up an activity for one of the exercises. It's fascinating how certain areas of memory are still functioning and others are not."

After the success of the four-week pilot program, Curious Comedy plans to extend the New Memories Project into an eight-week program in the new year, for which they recently received a $3,500 grant from the Oregon Arts Commission.

"Seniors are really an underserved group," says Hallal. "I think a lot of people in the arts are doing things for the middle population, and a lot of granted funds go to things for kids, which are all valuable and important, but there's something really powerful about working with seniors. The goal is really to create an experience where they can enjoy being in the moment."

If you're interested in learning more about the New Memories Project, or supporting it with your dollars, visit curiouscomedy.org.

PHAME

PHAME has been around for years, but the organization has undergone some big recent changes: When I sneak into a choir rehearsal in Northeast Portland's Grace Memorial Episcopal Church, it's only the second time brand-new Music Director Matthew Gailey has rehearsed with the group. (Third, if you count the audition that was part of his job interview.) The choir is practicing Christmas carols; Gailey, a vocalist with a background in music education, sings along with soloists when their voices flag, going squeaky-high to sing along with female vocalists and dropping into a more natural range for the men. It's an enthusiastic room. When someone has to leave early, the whole choir shouts goodbye.

The PHAME choir comprises around 55 people, ranging in age from 17 to 70, with developmental and/or physical disabilities. Since 1984, PHAME Academy—it stands for Pacific Honored Artists, Musicians, and Entertainers—has offered classes in the visual and performing arts. Tonight, the choir is preparing for a Dec. 21 show at the Grotto.

"Okay, next up, 'What a Wonderful World,'" Gailey announces. "Not a Christmas song, but I think it'll fit in."

"When I tell my mom we're singing a song that's not a Christmas song, she's gonna be like, what?" one woman shouts.

Gailey laughs. "You can tell her that Christmas is a time of giving, of appreciating what you have around you, and this song is about that."

"I challenge someone to be unmoved by a PHAME performance," says PHAME Executive Director (and former Mercury freelancer) Stephen Marc Beaudoin. "Experiencing the talent and tenacity of PHAME artists and performers will fundamentally rearrange your atoms. Audience members watch and experience PHAME, and find themselves looking in the mirror in a way they perhaps were not anticipating. Everyone has different abilities and talents. Each of us has strengths and weaknesses, places where we belong or feel we do not belong. PHAME puts this all on stage in a humane and compelling way."

PHAME's choir rehearsal concludes with a roll call: Each student stands up, says their name, and belts out, "I love to sing"—some are flamboyant, some timid, some just plain lovely. Beaudoin's right: It's impossible not to be moved.

To donate time or money to PHAME, visit phameacademy.org; while you're there, check the calendar for upcoming performances. Interested PHAME students can email info@phameacademy.org for more details on the program.

The Uprise Books Project

Justin Stanley founded the Uprise Books Project with the simple goal of getting books in the hands of underprivileged teenagers. Citing strong links between illiteracy and poverty, Stanley believes one way to end the "cycle of poverty" is by encouraging teens to read. But here's the hook—Uprise aims to connect kids with books that have been banned or challenged, books they might otherwise not have access to. Stanley hopes to tap into teenaged curiosity and rebellion by urging kids to read books that adults think they shouldn't.

In September, Stanley launched a Kickstarter page for Uprise; after attracting the social-media support of internet celebs like Wil Wheaton, he raised $10,000 to build a website. The site is a key component of the project: Teens will be able to browse and request books from a pre-populated selection (based on banned books lists compiled by the American Library Association and others); their selection will be sent to their homes, free of charge. The site will also allow donors to support specific requests, while still protecting the anonymity of the teenagers involved. When it all comes together, Stanley envisions a project that combats poverty, illiteracy, and censorship, all with one simple move.

Stanley is still waiting to hear if Uprise's application for nonprofit status has been approved—in the meantime, he's focusing on developing the site. "The best thing to do right now is to follow us on Twitter and Facebook and let us know how they'd like to help," says Stanley of interested volunteers. "We'll soon need volunteers to help test out the site, help spread the word, etc. We'd especially love to hear from people who'd like to volunteer their web design/development skills. Sure, the Kickstarter campaign was funded, but we're pinching pennies wherever we can. Every dollar we can save in the design and development process is a dollar we can use to buy books later."

Follow Uprise on Twitter at @uprisebooks or see uprisebooks.org for more info.

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